


Baby, I'm a God

by changedformeandthatsokay



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 18:37:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18762115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changedformeandthatsokay/pseuds/changedformeandthatsokay
Summary: Bellarke endgame obvs. and beginning B.echo since those are the cards we’ve been dealt (eyeroll) and I also love angst (but with a pay off). Also I super dig the idea of Clarke having all this frustration about them being so awful to her. I also loooove the Clarke/Murphy broship so we get that a bunch here. Bellamy shows up more but initially it’s a slow come round (cause we all know the payoff is worth it —— RIGHT JR)Season 6 Spec





	1. Chapter 1

Contrary to popular belief, Clarke does not know all the answers. She doesn’t know what the right decision is and has never claimed to know. But somewhere along the way people stopped seeing her as their friend and started seeing her as a type of god figure - toying with life and death like chess pieces and laughing when it goes wrong. Heaven forbid she not be able to please everyone. Just like a god, she gets the blame for it all. That wasn’t exactly what she had in mind when she said ‘I bare it so they don’t have to,’ but that’s her reality right now. Isolated and completely surrounded all at once. A small part of her wishes it were just her and Madi again, blissfully unaware of her friends’ resentment for her. The truth is she’s still human - she bleeds (although it’s black now) and feels and cries and wants to be liked and loved just like the rest of them.

After 125 years or so of abuse - from friends and family and the universe - she’s starting to turn to stone. They want a god? So be it. She’ll be as empty and unrelenting as one too. All of her old promises to Bellamy flash through her mind. Heartache can only last so long before it turns into abject apathy.

“I don’t see why i should be the one to stay when Shaw can fly the ship just fine,” Raven has her hands on her hips trying very hard to convince Bellamy. 

“Doesn’t it make more sense to take your best pilot to the ground?” Raven pauses, turns to Shaw, and says, “Sorry,” Shaw shrugs it off knowing arguing with her is an hour long can of worms. Clarke has been on the other side of many of those arguments so she doesn’t blame him - she’s already looking for a way out of the room. 

“Because Shaw is a better fighter and we need all the protection we can get down there if things turn South.” Bellamy runs two frustrated hands through his curls and Clarke tries her best to look away but after years and years of missing Bellamy it’s hard not to soak him up while she still has the chance. His tone was toeing the line of diplomatic and stressed the fuck out and she smiled, remembering that voice well. 

“And Clarke gets to go? Like we can trust her? She’ll sell us out in a second if it meant her and Madi were safe” Raven was close to a full on tantrum and it was all Clarke could do not to lunge at her. When did her friends become the enemy?

“Because Madi is still on the ship - she wouldn’t mess that up,” Echo reasons with the rest of Spacekru like she’s actually the enemy. 

Clarke wanted to jump out the goddamn window. 

Instead she walks out of the room wanting to be anywhere but there. 

She walks just far enough to where she can’t hear them debate whether she’s worthy of their trust and slides down the wall with a sigh. This is going to be a long existence if they keep it up.

How did she get here? One minute she’s sacrificing herself so they could get to the ship and leave and the next she’s enemy number 1 - scum of the earth. Clarke can’t help but chuckle at that. Scum of the Earth. Images of her months of solitude in the desert after Praimfaya go through her mind. Fitting, maybe she is. She surely won over the title of cockroach from Murphy. 

“Hey if wanna slip out the back I could probably find a spacesuit somewhere,” Murphy finds her. Speak of the devil.

“If you’re trying to kill me, I wouldn’t waste a space suit” Clarke deadpanned.

Murphy laughs and slide down the wall next to her. 

“From one cockroach to another, we both know that wouldn’t stop you” Clarke is a little taken aback by the trace of respect she hears in his voice. 

“Careful Murphy, almost sounds like you don’t hate me” Clarke teases. 

He’s quiet for a moment and she thinks he isn’t biting back. Maybe she’s stepped too far. She no longer has the same relationship with them as she did before. Bellamy is proof of that. She hasn’t known solid ground for a while now. 

“I don’t have the time or energy to hate you Clarke” 

Clark stops at that. 

“We’ve all done terrible shit - and I think they’ve forgotten that. Why hold you to a higher standard?” 

For the first time in a long time, Clarke wants to cry. Not out of anger or frustration, but this time she wants to cry because it hurt - she’s feels seen. There’s something about the gentle sting of vulnerability that hurts more than the rest. 

She shakes it off, “yeah its bullshit” they both laugh, “not to be all grateful and mush but I for one appreciate your service” Murphy holds his hand out for Clarke to shake. She looks down at his hand for a moment. The idea of a compliment being almost too much right now. 

When she’s sure he’s not about to snatch his hand away and make fun of her she tentatively reaches out and shakes his. 

Maybe not friends yet, but she has an ally. She can’t seem to make words come out of her mouth, hoping her expression conveys enough. 

“Let’s go see if they’re done being stupid” Murphy helps Clarke up and they walk back in together.


	2. After Red Sun Rising

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So - to catch up with the show as it airs i skipped ahead to them already landing and i liked what they did with 6x02 so i kept that! I wanted to show my own version of after 6x02, so here's the next chapter but set after red sun rising

It surprised Clarke how much it hurt her.  
She and Bellamy have both hurt each other more times than they can count by now and Clarke is no stranger to pain - but the bruises around her neck seem to be attached directly to her heart. All that built up tension and frustration couldn't be hidden now. She had almost believed him when he said he wasn't mad anymore. Obviously that isn't true. Bellamy has his family. He has his girlfriend. His humanity. Clarke no longer fits into that picture. She let herself hope for a split second that they could get back a fraction of what they used to have at least, but that was all broken now. No matter how hard they try, they can't stop hurting each other.

She reached out for Bellamy's wounded leg, her chest got impossibly tighter. Abby was down now with the rest of the crew so she could take care of it. "Mom, can you take care of Bellamy's leg?" Clarke delicately removed her hand from his leg, avoiding his eyes so tears wouldn't fall. Murphy needs someone to watch after him, that his pulse didn't stop completely while they discuss what to do next. Looking down at the pale still Murphy she almost failed to save (again) all she wanted was a damn drink. They can't catch a break and she can't seem to make anything better for anyone. Though the effects were gone, the voices still lingered. After all, they aren't new voices. She's no stranger to intrusive thoughts, these voices just happened to give her the extra push she never had to pull the trigger before. Self-pity is an indulgence though and she can't afford it.

"Let's all get back inside the school so we don't bring anymore attention to ourselves." Clarke knows she should keep bossing people around. She's not their leader anymore really. But old habits die hard and damnit no one else ever makes a move. She didn't turn around to see if they followed, she just walked through the doors and looked for a place to lay Murphy down to heal. The others did follow, with Murphy in tow. "Set him over here," Clarke gestured to a place she had cleared for him. They may not like her anymore and they may complain about her methods, but they still follow her orders. Typical. One of the advantages to being emotionally fucked she guesses, is the fantastic ability to shut down and make quick decisions and fix problems.

"There's some water about a mile from here that we know we can trust. It's the same water we drank by the landing site," Clarke grabs her gun, "I'll go get us more water and look around for anything that might be able to help Murphy - Mom you stay here with the injured."

"I'm coming with you," Bellamy says, standing up to follow her out.

"Are you crazy? No, you're staying here."

"I've had worse than this, I'll be fine," Bellamy gruffs.

"Oh, I'm aware. But there's no reason for you to come, I've got this. I need," Clarke rephrases, "we need your leg to heal, I can't let it get infected." Clarke finally looks Bellamy in the eyes and wants to cry already. There's definitely no way she can go on a hike with him right now even without a bum leg. "Please stay and heal for me," Clarke chokes, "for us" god she's gotta get out of here.

"Fine, but you're not going alone." Bellamy looks around for someone willing to travel with Clarke.

"I'll go with Clarke," Emori grabs a gun and follows Clarke out the door.

THAT surprises Clarke. Emori was fully of nothing but nasty comments earlier. She's either going to tie her up in the woods or kill her, Clarke just knows it. She's almost fine with it to be honest.

"I think it's a mile that way," Clarke points up at the skyline in the direction the originally came in at, "What do you think?" She asks.

Emori looks a little shocked to be asked her opinion. "Yeah, that sounds about right. By that rocky area?"

"Yeah, that way." Clarke adjusts the rifle on her shoulder as they march on.

A while later, Emori finally speaks up, "hey, Clarke, I just" - she pauses to kick a rock - "Bellamy told us how you saved Murphy when Bellamy went nuts. He said he would have killed him had you not stopped him."

Clarke cleared her throat. "We were all going nuts, I just did what I could - just wish I could have gotten there sooner, before he held him under water for so long," Clarke tried to get the image of violent Bellamy out of her head. "The voices were just" her voice cracks, "I just hope he recovers," Clarke says instead. "He's survived worse though, I have faith in him."

Emori laughs and agrees. "Hey I'm really sorry about some of the stuff I said. I mean, it still hurts and we're all pretty angry - some more than others - but you don't deserve all that shit." Clarke is touched and doesn't know what to say. Emori continues though, "I should know more than anyone how selfless you actually are. I would be dead many times over without your sacrifices."

Clarke is still just so caught off guard it's a while before she finds her voice. "I don't know about that, but I've always tried my best to make the right decision." Clarke stops for a second and then says, "but unfortunately it's not always the right one."

"Eh, nobody's perfect" Emori says, "especially none of us!" They both laugh at that.

The rest of the trip was silent. Friendship - if that's what you could call it - is gonna take time.

-

They return back to the school with as much water as they could carry and a newfound friendship budding. Kind of. It was better than hostility anyway.

"How is Murphy?" Clarke asks, walking through the door. Echo stands beside Bellamy with her hand on his injured leg. Clarke immediately looks away and walks over to Murphy and her mom instead, pretending that he and Echo aren't even there.

"His pulse and his breathing is stronger, the risk of a coma is lowering, what were you able to find?" Abby looks at Clarke's new bag.

"Well, since this isn't Earth, I'm not sure what any of the plants are and I'm afraid we're back to square one on that front. But I did find this med pack in the landing area. It must have gotten left behind when they took off in a hurry." Clarke tosses the bag to Abby who immediately digs through it in search for anything helpful.

"Clarke is the one who thought to go back to the landing site," Emori spoke up. "We would have never found the med pack and water without her."

Clarke shifted, feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

"We wouldn't even BE in this mess if it weren't for Clarke either." Raven spat her name out. Clarke dusted off her hands, standing up from helping Abby administer the drugs to Murphy and walked out the door without a word.


	3. The Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more of a snippet of this chapter - i'm in the middle of it and tonight is busy and i won't be able to post but here's something to get it rolling!

_Wouldn't even be in this mess without her._

The worst part about it is Raven's not exactly _wrong_. But what does she know? She's done carrying the weight of it all on her shoulders alone. Whispers of Bellamy in what feels like another lifetime came to her. "Together" wasn't an option anymore. He made that pretty clear after putting the chip in Madi for 'his family' but Clarke couldn't stay angry with him now. It was all over with and now they're stranded on a fucking moon with a bunch of strangers taking over Eligus. She groans, Madi's up there...

"Clarke are you okay?" Bellamy's voice was almost comforting, but now hearing his voice just gave her anxiety. 

"Yeah," is all Clarke could get out. 

"Clarke, I'm so sorry," Bellamy reached for her arm. She flinched away and saw his face drop, making her heart somehow hurt even more. She didn't mean to flinch. 

"Look, I know we can't just put a bandaid on this and I know sorry isn't gonna fix anything, but I need you to know that. I'm sorry." Bellamy wasn't just talking about him choking her and that made this conversation feel much harder. How do you even navigate a conversation like this?

"I'm sorry too. I should have never left you." Clarke couldn't stop fidgeting so she sat down with her back against the school. "I've made a giant clusterfuck out of everything and I don't know how it happened or how to fix it. All I know is everything I touch burns alive," Clarke bravely looked him in the eye. His face looked like it was full of remorse. 

"Yeah, I know that feeling." Bellamy sat beside her, wincing at the stitches moving the stab wound. 

"I'm sorry I stabbed you," Clarke said. 

They looked at each other and giggled. Out of all their problems, this one seemed the most trivial. 

"No, thank you for stabbing me," Bellamy placed a hand on her knee and she has to fight very hard to pay attention to the words coming out of his mouth. "I almost killed Murphy - I might have if he doesn't recover - and like always, you were there to be my better half." 

Oh Christ. He can't say stuff like that. She doesn't know what to say. Her thoughts go to Echo who's just in the other room and to his hand on her knee and his sweet words that just aren't true and none of it feels real. Everything she thought she knew is completely wrong. Ever since Praimfaya her life has been a movie and she's just watching it happen. 

"I need to go check on Murphy," Clarke stands up and runs away, yet again. She knows love isn't weakness, but feelings are. They can absolutely get in the way of everything and she can't afford that. All of those feelings for Bellamy need to be tucked deep inside because things have changed. Things have changed. Things have changed. Maybe if she says it enough she'll get it. 

"How is he?" Clarke said, walking straight up to Emori who was sitting next to Murphy.

"Better, we think." Emori said, brushing her fingers through his hair. Clarke hated this. The only two people in this entire universe who don't hate her and one of them is dying and the other is watching him die. 

"The medicine you brought back has stabilized him enough that he's started to move some." Abby says, "he's twitching here and there and even tried to say something." 

"If we could just get him to open his eyes I could breathe," Emori said. 

Before Clarke can say anything else, the feint sound of laughter echoes throughout the room. Everyone snaps to attention looking worried. 

"What the hell" 

"Are those... kids?" Echo says, looking out the window. 


End file.
